Ok so last night I don’t remember my dreams. I do recall waking up startled like I had a nightmare, but I am used to that. I actually had some real trouble staying asleep last night. Ugh. I will definitely be taking a nap today. Sometime after I catch up on Modern Family and Cougar Town. God, I love those shows.
So last night I went to a Halloween Party! It was a blast. Lots of good friends and good behavior… a bit of a change from last years, which I won’t even go into. It is nice to see how things can change and how they can do so quickly. I definitely have a ton about which to be grateful.
Oh, I went as Ron Weasley, from the Harry Potter books/movies. I am horrified at the amount of people who did not know Ron. There are some AWFULLY big rocks out there with people I know living under them.
Today is going to be an interesting day. It’s time for me to make a big review of some past behaviors and vigorously attempt to foil my old patterns while ejecting some of the crap I have held onto like a precious flower so I can move on. Am I ready? Hell to the yeah, baby.
Wish me luck! Oh – and here is me from the party…
Just your typical Hogwarts student....
Yesterday, I was feeling very neutral. Neutral feels strange and uncomfortable. I guess when anything is unfamiliar, it can lead to feeling unsettled. As silly as this seems, I am not used to feeling level.
Today I sat at Starbucks for a while with a group of guys. There is one guy that just rubs me the wrong way. Usually, when I see this guy, I get this tight, anxious feeling in my chest. Typically, everything he says, I counter – without even pausing. He says crude and judgmental things about everyone that passes by. I want to yell at him and tell him to shut up. I want to make sure he knows that I know that he is not a nice guy.
Why do we sit in crap? Sometimes I wonder how much annoyance, irritation or pain we have to feel before we get up and change seats. I can spend a lot of time getting upset at myself for not changing fast enough but I really need to learn to be more gentle with myself.
So today I am not feeling anything. I don’t like the guy, but I don’t feel hostile toward him. The things he says still feel mean, but I just don’t care to hand him any of my serenity. There may be a time when it will feel right to say something, but “Shut up” is definitely not it.
Is perception this easy? Maybe… maybe not. It seems to have changed without me thinking about it. Whatever happened, I am really glad I never mouthed off and said anything. So far, in my limited experience with sobriety, silence has been a powerful weapon and an even more powerful defense. Progress? I think so.