Yesterday, I was feeling very neutral. Neutral feels strange and uncomfortable. I guess when anything is unfamiliar, it can lead to feeling unsettled. As silly as this seems, I am not used to feeling level.
Today I sat at Starbucks for a while with a group of guys. There is one guy that just rubs me the wrong way. Usually, when I see this guy, I get this tight, anxious feeling in my chest. Typically, everything he says, I counter – without even pausing. He says crude and judgmental things about everyone that passes by. I want to yell at him and tell him to shut up. I want to make sure he knows that I know that he is not a nice guy.
Why do we sit in crap? Sometimes I wonder how much annoyance, irritation or pain we have to feel before we get up and change seats. I can spend a lot of time getting upset at myself for not changing fast enough but I really need to learn to be more gentle with myself.
So today I am not feeling anything. I don’t like the guy, but I don’t feel hostile toward him. The things he says still feel mean, but I just don’t care to hand him any of my serenity. There may be a time when it will feel right to say something, but “Shut up” is definitely not it.
Is perception this easy? Maybe… maybe not. It seems to have changed without me thinking about it. Whatever happened, I am really glad I never mouthed off and said anything. So far, in my limited experience with sobriety, silence has been a powerful weapon and an even more powerful defense. Progress? I think so.