Archive for October, 2010

Last Night, I Had a Dream

Ok so last night I don’t remember my dreams. I do recall waking up startled like I had a nightmare, but I am used to that. I actually had some real trouble staying asleep last night. Ugh. I will definitely be taking a nap today. Sometime after I catch up on Modern Family and Cougar Town. God, I love those shows.

So last night I went to a Halloween Party! It was a blast. Lots of good friends and good behavior… a bit of a change from last years, which I won’t even go into. It is nice to see how things can change and how they can do so quickly. I definitely have a ton about which to be grateful.

Oh, I went as Ron Weasley, from the Harry Potter books/movies. I am horrified at the amount of people who did not know Ron. There are some AWFULLY big rocks out there with people I know living under them.

Today is going to be an interesting day. It’s time for me to make a big review of some past behaviors and vigorously attempt to foil my old patterns while ejecting some of the crap I have held onto like a precious flower so I can move on. Am I ready? Hell to the yeah, baby.

Wish me luck!   Oh – and here is me from the party…

Just your typical Hogwarts student....

I’m A Hazard To Myself

“Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” It’s a quote by Robert G. Lee. He was a Baptist Preacher in the 1900’s and, in my experience, he was right. From the pain I have caused myself, I should end up being one WISE man! We will see how that turns out.

I have been doing a lot of work on recognizing the negative patterns of my past and how I can change them into positive behaviors. Simply being able to see them has been a feat. They blatantly stare me in the face yet I have searched for years without being able to actually look at them. Unfortunately, I think most people never really do get to see theirs. Sure, people point them out and the same crap happens over and over as a result of how we act and we wonder why, but nothing totally sucks and rocks at the same time like being able to notice, name and then work to change a bad pattern of behavior.

One of my patterns has been to not let people be themselves. Whether I try something as extreme as fixing someone else for what I perceive to be wrong or something as easy and forgivable as being angry at someone for their personal views, both are luxuries I have learned I cannot afford. So while the conservative politician is still fun to poke fun at (hey, s/he is a politician, they ASK for it), the person on the street who stands up for what they believe in, whether I agree or not, is just being principled. Don’t get me wrong, I will still feel the need to poke and prod when something comes up against my own principles, but the anger that has been my trademark for so long, is gonna be out of the equation. I may not do this perfectly, but then again, the ONLY thing I have to do perfectly today is not drink or use. The rest, I can practice again tomorrow.

As a side note, my friend Shelly had a dream that me and my husband adopted a baby. Since I have no husband, I will take this as a premonition! Woo hoo! I am gonna have a husband one day! Thanks, Shel. I wonder if it was a boy or a girl?? The baby, not the husband.

The Sound of Silence….

Yesterday, I was feeling very neutral. Neutral feels strange and uncomfortable. I guess when anything is unfamiliar, it can lead to feeling unsettled.   As silly as this seems, I am not used to feeling level.

Today I sat at Starbucks for a while with a group of guys. There is one guy that just rubs me the wrong way. Usually, when I see this guy, I get this tight, anxious feeling in my chest. Typically, everything he says, I counter – without even pausing.  He says crude and judgmental things about everyone that passes by.  I want to yell at him and tell him to shut  up.   I want to make sure he knows that I know that he is not a nice guy.

Why do we sit in crap?  Sometimes I wonder how much annoyance, irritation or pain we have to feel before we get up and change seats.   I can spend a lot of time getting upset at myself for not changing fast enough but I really need to learn to be more gentle with myself.

So today I am not feeling anything. I don’t like the guy, but I don’t feel hostile toward him. The things he says still feel mean, but I just don’t care to hand him any of my serenity.   There may be a time when it will feel right to say something, but “Shut up” is definitely not it.

Is perception this easy? Maybe… maybe not. It seems to have changed without me thinking about it.  Whatever happened, I am really glad I never mouthed off and said anything.   So far, in my limited experience with sobriety, silence has been a powerful weapon and an even more powerful defense.   Progress?  I think so.

ARGH!!!!

I really want to jump start this blog. I am going to really try to keep it up and see how it goes.

The past 92 days have been…. wonderful, hard, painful, easy, loving, mean… I guess they have just been life. When you live in extremes for a long time, the normal seems sickly. The fact is, sometimes, nothing happens. I think I am uncomfortable because nothing is happening. Nothing dramatic, that is, cause if I really think about it, things happen everyday.

Fuck.

I want to be ok with this. I really want to be ok with just being. Please Universe, help me be ok with just being me.