Archive for March, 2010

Just Doing It

This is hard.   I will not pussyfoot around it.  To be honest, I hate It.  I hate feeling like I cannot just do It.  I have been a strong personality for so long, and I think I have either mellowed out, gotten weak or just changed.  Plus I have shut off from certain people.  They have no idea how This feels.   None.  They can’t even pretend they do and while I am not looking for someone to sympathize, I am over the sad sidelong glance or the “tsk tsk” attitude.  Have I changed or is this my evolution?  It’s too early to judge, I think….  or maybe judging it is exactly what I should not do.   It just is.  People change, right?   Personalities change.   Relationships change.   Maybe acceptance is what I should be working on.   Time will tell.  Meanwhile, I do what I can to stay relevant.  Sounds dramatic, eh?   It’s not.   It’s reality.  I don’t reach out like I should and others walk on eggshells around me.  That combination is dangerous.  I know what used to work for me…  and I am an intelligent being…  I just refuse to revisit That right now.   That is the honest truth.   Can I do This effectively without That?   So far so good, except for the lack of a tangible support force, one that I can feel around me.  Universe, grant me the strength…

On a less vague note, my unemployment is about to run out.  6 more weeks, I think – and that is the emergency part that happens when you prove that you have been rejected by jobs.   26 of them, in my case.   I am “too qualified” for most of them, according to the verbal rejections.   The written ones are less specific.   Is my focus off?   I am almost to the point where I need to just take a job to have some income.   Writing has been fulfilling, don’t get me wrong, but I have written and written and submitted and submitted without much.   It will happen, I am sure, but it just needs more time.

I have a lot to catch up on, and I have been saying this for a few months now, but I will be posting the missing blog entries soon.

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